The Shrine of the Magi and the Best Beer

Our last stop in Germany was to Cologne, or Koln, as the German’s call it. It is the 4th most populous city in Germany with over 1 million people in the city and another 3 million in the surrounding urban area. Our guide for our morning tour was Hajo, who, as usual for our guides on the Viking cruise, was well versed in history and full of personality. He was very quick to point out to us that the beer in Koln was the best in the world, and scoffed at me when I admitted to liking Guinness. Koln’s beer is Kolsch, and, like Champaign in France, can only be called Kolsch if it is brewed within 30 miles of the Cologne Cathedral. It is served only in 7 oz glasses, guaranteed to keep your portion cold, and they view with disdain any city serving beer in large steins. And never worry that 7 oz is too small. The Kolsch servers will keep those 7 oz glasses coming until you beg them to stop. We looked forward to sampling. Hajo also told us to avoid the Koln wine, known as Sour Dog, at all costs. Apparently they offer their wine in red and white, and if you want rose, they mix them together.

Hajo was very forthright in telling us the Kolners were a crabby people. Crabby and independent with a great distrust of authority. He impressed that idea by sharing with us that Ford Motor Company was the second largest employer in Koln, famous for the Ford Fiesta. He showed us an old building with a very odd-looking Ford Fiesta with wings on top of the building. Apparently, the city mayor disliked this statue when it was first cast and asked that it be moved so it would not be so visible. The city workers moved it so that it was right outside the mayor’s window. While Hajo cautioned us that the crabbiness was just the outside layer of a kind and generous people, he did warn us to expect it from the service industry. He cautioned us that asking for tea was likely to receive the snarl, ‘do I look like a geisha?’

Koln is a large city and there was loads of traffic. Hajo instructed us that one would never get across the street unless they showed bravery. His constant cry when crossing was ‘Show No Fear!’ It reminded me of a story my brother likes to tell of his visit to Ireland and attempting to swim in the Irish Sea, which is notoriously cold. As he carefully tiptoed into the water, two elderly ladies called out to him in their Irish brogue ‘Do Not Hesitate!’ At one point, Hajo even used that cry to get us all across an intersection.

Our destination on our walk was the Cologne Cathedral, which is the tallest cathedral in the world. Koln is a very wealthy city, founded by the Romans in the 1st century. One of the reasons the city is so wealthy is because of the Cathedral. It houses the relics (bones) of the Magi, the three kings who paid homage to the infant Jesus. Hajo told us the Roman’s stole these remains from a church in Milan in 1164. Because of these relics, thousands of pilgrims have flocked to the city for centuries, paying their respects to the kings, and spending their money in the city. But before we even saw the church, Hajo asked us which we would prefer: a whitewashed version of the history of the priests or the truth. Of course, we wanted the truth. And that truth covers years of child abuse at the hands of many church leaders. Hajo was quite passionate on this subject and addressed the anger that many Christians in Koln feel toward the slow and inadequate response of the church leadership.

The Cathedral is truly breathtaking. Upon entry you find yourself in a huge hall with many pillars, towering stained glass windows, burnished wood and gold and silver, jewels and precious stones everywhere. The shrines of the Magi are toward the back of the church, and their golden sarcophagi are astonishing. I expected the place to be crawling with armed guards.

Once outside, Hajo showed us a statue dedicated to Nero’s mother, Agrippina. She must have been a real pistol. As a woman, she couldn’t rule or own property, but she managed just fine by marrying well. Three times. And sadly, all of her husbands died of eating poisoned mushrooms. She was also the sister of Caligula. She was finally put to death by Nero, and upon hearing that her son wanted her dead, remarked, ‘Stick that sword into my belly from whence that bastard came!’ And you think your family can be tough! He also showed us the stumbling stones. These are flat, golden stones imbedded randomly in the pavement. They have engraved upon them the names of the Koln Jews murdered during the holocaust.  In order to read the names, written in small print, one must bow down, thereby showing respect to the dead.

We had some free time before we needed to find the bus to return to the Vali, so Bob and I decided to grab a bite and sample the Kolsch. We went into a busy pub and quickly found a table near the bar. There was no menu and we knew the only beer served would be Kolsch. Sure enough a portly server carrying a large tray of 7 oz glasses came over and dropped off two beers. We asked him if we could order food, and he growled ‘No!’ and hurried off. The beer, as promised, was cold and delicious, now one of my new favorites. Crisp and light. We drank our beers and decided we needed to move more into the restaurant to get food, but our server saw us, tossed us some menus, and barked, ‘kidding! Kidding!’ I ordered an excellent onion soup with a hard, cheesy bread, perfect for soup dipping, and Bob had a traditional sausage with cabbage. Yummy! We wandered around for a while, shopped a bit and headed to the bus stop.

This was the only day we had two excursions scheduled. Our second was the Cologne Beer and Culture Dinner, which really turned out to be a bar crawl through four bars, all serving their own Kolsch brew. Our guide for this tour was Melanie, who told us we would first have dinner because they knew it was important to have full stomachs for the evening. The pub was full, the beer cold and the German dinner was everything we could have wanted. Melanie told us that the German toast, Prost! Is to be delivered while looking deep into the eyes of the people you are toasting. This insures seven years of good sex. The opposite will occur if you mess this up. There were many long, deep looks and many exclamations of Prost!

It rained but we didn’t care, and while the cobblestones are notoriously slick in the rain, there were no injuries. We had a wonderful time in Koln, and returned to the Vali warm, happy and assured of many years of good sex.